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Broken Hearted

Sometimes I am feeling so sad about my family of orgin that I want to die. I have no idea why I am the one they all love to hate.
There are only two of my sisters left. Two have died.
Looking back I have no idea where I got all my ideas from. I felt that when my sisters had children they were also mine. I wanted to be a huge part of my nephews and nieces lives. But my oldest sister taught her children to fear and distrust all family members. She also had none of the love for my child that I had for hers.
My second oldest sister, was self absorbed and never even cared to get to know anyone else’s children.
My third oldest sister came closest to my idea of what it supposed to be like. We lived together and she had children and I was unmarried. She could trust me with her children. I loved them as if they were my own.
I am the fourth child. I lived a misguided idea that I would love all my nephews and nieces not matter what they do. They are equal to my own child.
My youngest sister has always hated me. She always made my life a misery whenever she could. My mother did not improve this relationship by telling her to be more like me. When she had her child I treated him like I would my own. I love him deeply and mourn the loss of him in my life. This sister has passed her hatred of me on to her own child.
I guess what I want to tell you is that I am now in my 60’s and the pain I feel today is every bit as painful as it could ever be.
I have my own child and my grandchildren and I have a loving husband. So why on earth do I feel this deep pain in my heart and in my gut.
It must be because I have been so open to the abuse that I am feeling sorry for myself. When my sister died recently I spoke at her funeral even though I was not invited to do so. I felt I had to. Now I feel like an asshole for doing that.

Is Your Heart Broken?

A lot of us feel a broken heart is between a couple. I think we are overlooking the other kind of broken heart. For instance the broken hearts over family relationships. There has got to be a lot of people out there who suffer from separation in broken families.

As for me, I grew up in a violent household. Everyone was violent. Father, Mother, sisters everyone was violent.

If you can imagine father and mother fighting all night almost every night. Children sitting in stress and fearing that the night would turn a sunny day into a hellish nightmare. There were fights in the day time too. Mostly it would be the sisters fighting each other physically. Screaming, yelling, punching, beating.

There was no peace in my life. I can’t speak for them. It seems to me it is violence they needed because it never quit. The odd time they would all be out and that was heaven to me.

I found times of peace when I would go out into the muddy dirt yard and make cookies using the mud. I would place them all along the fence to dry in the sun. And perfection was taking those mud cookies one at a time off the fence without breaking them. Those were my finest times. The best of accomplishments. No I didn’t eat them; nor did I feed them to anyone. I can still find that peace in making cookies today.

Finally I have managed to sever all relationships with them as they have been cruel and violent to me all my life. But the pain of being the outsider just will never go away.

I watched as my mother rub my sisters faces into their pissy beds. What a disgusting way to treat your children. I cannot imagine ever doing that to a child. I have done it to a doggie and I am ashamed of that. I will never do that again.

Can I say my poor mother was a victim too. Yes I can. But I cannot excuse her behaviour towards her children. Fortunately I did not wet my bed. Or I would not have been the favoured child. I did not make my mother angry by staying out late or becoming pregnant before marriage. I would never break her heart that way. I had learned from the experience of my sisters. They did it all.

My younger sister would pee her bed in the night and then climb into my bed because she was cold I guess. And then she would pee in my bed. I must have gone to school smelling of pee a lot. I remember laying there and feeling this warm surge come over me. And then I would feel the wet. It angered me too. I would push her outta my bed and it was all too late. She hated me for that. And I never hated her for anything.

Mom would not let us shower and we were not encouraged to bathe. We were stinky kids. She moaned about the amount of water and the shower being a waste of water. It went on and on.

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Bought a new Second Hand Car.

Yup a different one. No sunroof :(. But it is a funky little Vibe. Unfortunately the guy smoked in it. Yucky. So gotta have it detailed. Hope that works. Cause I can’t stand smoke smell. 

One freezing cold Christmas we had a ton of family to our house. Some of whom are smokers. Apparently they were given direction to smoke inside a car that was purposely unlocked for the smokers. It seems my car was unlocked so two people smoked in MY car. When I found out I freaked out on them.  I haven’t smoked for 30 years. 

Stinky smoky cars.  😦

Here she comes

Oh dear, it has been many days since her arrival. I can’t even remember when. She is hounding me 24/7 with her deep growls and demands.

I growled back at her this morning before six. I said how tired I was and that I felt that I was being dragged around by the hair.

In my mind I am saying when will you go home. Please go home.

Sometimes I win the arguments but mostly she does. If she doesn’t get her way she will damage something of mine.

I can’t tell you how disturbing this has become. As she gets older her visits become more annoying. She can’t look after herself anymore and expects me to spin at the drop of a hat.

Well I am getting older too. My hip hurts and my knees are painful. I can’t believe how selfish she is. I am so grateful when she lets me win.

 18/08/2010


Here she comes again 2

Oh I won this one. I had to help to go to the bathroom this morning at about 5 a.m. It took all of my strength to get out of bed. I am beat. But I did it and she wanted me to make her a snack. I refused. I told her to go back to bed for a little bit because it was too early.

And now it is 7:17 a.m. and she gobbled down the breakfast I made her. While she was eating I crept back to lay my weary body down for a bit. I could hear her gobbling in the kitchen and my body was tense because I knew she was not done with me yet.

I was right. She came to my bedroom door and leaned in and whined, almost saying that was not enough food so get up and make me some more. I pretended I was asleep, only peeking out of a very small slit. I thought if I ignore her she may go back to bed. I think she wanted me to help her to the bathroom again. I can’t deal with this too much longer.

Finally I bolted upright in bed and said, “Go lay down for a bit”. Then I demonstrated my command by pulling the covers over my head. I hear heard her fluffing about for a bit and then finally I heard her walk away. I WON…this one.

 18/08/2010

Here She Comes Again 3

Okay I know it has been a few days since I wrote. I wanted to but SHE is still here.

Last night was awful cause she is so afraid of storms. So all night she was breathing heavy and I had to stay in the same room with her or as you know she would begin to damage stuff of mine. All night long this went on. I was sitting on the edge of my seat most of the night. I told her to relax and try to sleep. Then guess what, up at 5:15 a.m. wanting breakfast if you please. Here it is 6:26 a.m. and I am up and she is snoring away. Oh speaking of snoring. Her snoring is enough to keep me awake. She has a lot of disgusting habits like her snoring, burps, throws up, and has accidents if you know what I mean? Yeah it is above and beyond don’t you think? She has no remorse, and just expects me to clean it up thank god she doesn’t hold a grudge towards me for cleaning you all up after.

Yesterday I had to go work so I suggested she spend some time in the sunroom and my lovely neighbour popped in once in awhile to see how it was all going. It was very nice of her but I was at work worried sick about it.

Today I have to go to work again and it is a stormy day. Not good news. I will have to ask my neighbour if she will pop in again.

I will be glad when the weekend comes so that I can devote all my time to Madam!!! Yes it now 6:34 and so far I have fed her, helped her go pee and cleaned up her puke. I have some laundry to do so I better go now.

20/08/2010