Broken Hearted

Sometimes I am feeling so sad about my family of orgin that I want to die. I have no idea why I am the one they all love to hate.
There are only two of my sisters left. Two have died.
Looking back I have no idea where I got all my ideas from. I felt that when my sisters had children they were also mine. I wanted to be a huge part of my nephews and nieces lives. But my oldest sister taught her children to fear and distrust all family members. She also had none of the love for my child that I had for hers.
My second oldest sister, was self absorbed and never even cared to get to know anyone else’s children.
My third oldest sister came closest to my idea of what it supposed to be like. We lived together and she had children and I was unmarried. She could trust me with her children. I loved them as if they were my own.
I am the fourth child. I lived a misguided idea that I would love all my nephews and nieces not matter what they do. They are equal to my own child.
My youngest sister has always hated me. She always made my life a misery whenever she could. My mother did not improve this relationship by telling her to be more like me. When she had her child I treated him like I would my own. I love him deeply and mourn the loss of him in my life. This sister has passed her hatred of me on to her own child.
I guess what I want to tell you is that I am now in my 60’s and the pain I feel today is every bit as painful as it could ever be.
I have my own child and my grandchildren and I have a loving husband. So why on earth do I feel this deep pain in my heart and in my gut.
It must be because I have been so open to the abuse that I am feeling sorry for myself. When my sister died recently I spoke at her funeral even though I was not invited to do so. I felt I had to. Now I feel like an asshole for doing that.